Torque (2004) / Action-Thriller

MPAA Rated: PG-13 for violence, sexuality, language and drug references
Running Time: 81 min.

Cast: Martin Henderson, Ice Cube, Matt Schulze, Monet Mazur, Christina Milian, Jaime Pressly, Will Yun Lee, Adam Scott, Jay Hernandez
Director: Joseph Kahn

Screenplay: Matt Johnson
Review published January 17, 2004

It has a title that looks awfully close to "Turkey", and content that plays out even closer.  Torque is cinema for the non-thinking man.  Hey, there has to be a movie out there to appeal to all people, so if you can't spell IQ, much less take the test, they made a movie just for you.  Here's an even better test...tilt your head to the left...now to the right...if you hear something small rolling around in there, that's probably your little brain.  Now tilt your head to the left again, but this time, bang the right side of your head a few times with your right hand.  If something falls out of your left ear, you are now in the proper condition to watch and enjoy Torque to its fullest extent.

Martin Henderson (The Ring) plays Cary Ford, head of his own little biker gang, who gets framed for the murder of the brother of the head of another biker gang, Trey (Ice Cube, Three Kings), which is actually committed by the head of a third biker gang, Henry (Matt Schulze, The Transporter).   The cops are after Cary, the Feds are after Cary, Trey is after Cary, Henry is after Cary (apparently because he has some bikes that contain a million dollars of crystal meth hidden within them...no, I'm not joking), leaving Cary on his own to clear his name before anyone else gets to him first.

So, it's like The Fast and the Furious on bikes, although even that's been done before in last year's crappy biker movie, Biker Boyz, so already the creators are redundant twice over.  The storyline is barely cohesive, used merely as an excuse to present situations where guys with shades and no helmets can crash through doors, windows, and trains(!) in slow-motion, with an explosion behind them.  It's like the WWE on crotch-rockets, with trumped up angst, hot babes, men who need a shave and a haircut, and as many tats and piercings as you'd ever want to see outside of prison.

There is a certain entertainment value in seeing how over-the-top Torque is willing to get in order to cover up the fact that there's absolutely nothing interesting going on.  Thin characterizations, ridiculous plot-twists, and physics that could only be plausible if played out in The Matrix are about all you will see until you see the closing credits, provided you even bother to make it that far.  Save a little time and walk out during the opening credits, just for fun.

In between the grandiose CGI-riddled stunt pieces, the only other source for entertainment comes in trying to see how many ways they can work in the Pepsi logo. 

At 81 minutes, it's fast.  At $8 a ticket, you'll be furious.

Qwipster's rating:

2004 Vince Leo