Red Water (2003) / Thriller-Action

MPAA Rated: R for some violence
Running time: 92 min.

Cast: Lou Diamond Phillips, Kristy Swanson, Coolio, Rob Boltin, Garth Collins, Gideon Emery
Director:  Charles Robert Carner
Screenplay: J.D. Feigelson, Chris Mack

Review published March 15, 2003

What do you get when you mix Anaconda, Lake Placid, and all four Jaws movies?  Probably the most derivative piece of crap on television.  Just when you thought it was safe to watch a Lou Diamond Phillips flick, he gives us another reason to doubt his acting decisions by starring in an effort that almost makes you forget Bats.  Even though this was an original movie shot for Superstation WTBS, that's no excuse for such a complete waste of time, money and bandwidth on my digital cable line.  Not even schlock cinema lovers will enjoy a film so vacant from anything remotely original, it's not "so bad it's good," it's so bad you'll destroy your television set.

Phillips stars as some guy named Sanders, who finds himself on the trail of a man-eating bull shark with his ex-wife (Swanson) in order to pay back some of his debtors.  It seems some crews have been in the area looking for a natural gas source, which may have killed much of the local fish that the shark normally feeds on, and now it has turned to eating people.  A trio of hardened criminals also happen to be in the area, looking for some stolen loot at the bottom of the river. 

I'd would rather dip my genitals in a tank full of killer piranhas than sit through Red Water for a second time.   The direction is stagnant, the acting is wooden, and the dialogue is so ridiculously shoddy, it would have been less artificial if everyone pantomimed instead. 

It's too familiar to be interesting, too derivative to be scary, and too serious to be truly amusing.  In short, it's recommended for absolutely no one.  Even the families of the actors will probably turn this off before the end credits. (I wish I did.)

Forget the bull shark, Red Water is bull sh*t.

Qwipster's rating:

2003 Vince Leo