Raging Sharks (2005) / Action-Sci Fi

MPAA Rated: R for violence and language
Running Time: 92 min.

Cast: Corin Nemec, Vanessa Angel, Corbin Bernsen, Todd Jensen, Elise Muller, Simone Levin
Director: Danny Lerner
Screenplay: Les Weldon

It's bad enough that I had to endure watching excrement like Raging Sharks for 90 minutes -- now I have to think about it and talk about my experience too?! 

The only entertainment to be had is in hearing of the plot:  Aliens from outer space collide their spaceships causing debris to land on Earth.  Among the debris are orange colored crystals that must taste yummy to sharks, because they consume tons of it.  This unknown substance makes the sharks ravenous for whatever they can sink their teeth into -- boats, planes, pipes, cables, human torsos, and everything else that sticks out in the ocean.  A sub is called in to investigate.  Mayhem ensues.

If I must, I'll just give you a brief recap of my experience while watching it: Laughed at it a lot, laughed some more, laughed a little less, started thinking about other things, noticed the ceiling fan in the room is spinning counter-clockwise, stared at the wall, suicidal thoughts, stared at the inside of my eyelids, rubbed my eyes and wondered how long I was out for, wondered if I should go back to sleep, suicidal thoughts, looked in amazement at how such a bad movie could possibly get worse, declared this movie to be the worst movie I've seen in years, suicidal thoughts, finished watching the remaining hour, removed toothpicks holding open my eyelids.

It's direct-to-video, so you know what that usually means: direct-to-wastecan caliber entertainment.  Screenwriter Les Weldon (what a punny name -- I can't imagine anything "Les Weldon" than this!)  and director Danny Lerner must have watched James Cameron's The Abyss and thought that what the world needs is to see it re-done with poor dialogue, cheap sets, horrendously bad acting, and Corbin Bernsen.  I'm assuming copious amounts of illegally obtained substances were also consumed, as there is no way a straight, sober, non-schizo person could have made a movie this bad intentionally. 

Awful accents, stomach-churning special effects, strange sound effects (do sharks really sound like wild bears?), music that sounds like someone playing the theme to The Rock on a Casio keyboard, flagrant shots of stock military footage, repetitive clips of real sharks close-up, slowed-down action, sped-up action, nonsensical plot developments.  I'd elaborate more, but that would have meant I would have to pay attention to this pile of dung, which might have left me unable to function as a fully coherent human being for the rest of my life. 

Long before the end of the film, you'll pray that the ravenous, raging sharks won't stop until they eat every piece of the set, including all of the cast and crew.  For staunch movie masochists only!

Qwipster's rating:

2005 Vince Leo