The Long Weekend (2005) / Comedy

MPAA Rated: Not rated, but definitely would be R for pervasive crude humor, sexual humor, nudity, and strong language
Running Time: 85 min.

Cast: Brendan Fehr, Chris Klein, Cobie Smulders, Paul Campbell, Chelan Simmons, Chandra West, Angelika Libera, Catherine Devine, Evangeline Lilly, Jennifer Walther
Director: Pat Holden
Screenplay: Tad Safran
Review published December 16, 2005

Farting, taking a dump, sex, peeing, blowing snots, farting some more, weird sex, playing with oneself, watching strippers, farting, getting nearly sodomized, farting, disgusting and depraved sex, and more farting.

The above sentence is not a blatant attempt at getting a bunch of hits to my site from perverts and deviants; it is a workable plot summary for The Long Weekend, perhaps the most nausea-inducing comedy since Van Wilder.

Imagine if you will, if Swingers had all of its best parts stripped out, and in their place you injected the absolute worst moments of the American Pie series, and what you'd have left would greatly approximate the dismal experience of watching this film.  My advice: eat that bucket of popcorn as fast as you can, so you'll have someplace to puke in once the movie gets started.  Just don't let director Pat Holden film it, or you may find yourself in his next film.

The actual plot, when the film isn't showcasing fake bare breasts or body fluids shooting out of orifices, involves nebbish Ed Waxman (Fehr, Childstar) getting cruelly jilted by his philandering girlfriend.  He spends the next year or so reeling from the experience, trying to get her back to no avail, at the expense of his social life.  Ed's womanizing younger brother, Cooper (Klein, Rollerball), vows to try to get him back in the dating scene, or at the very least, get him laid, but Ed finds that he has little time for getting it on now that his job as an advertising man is in jeopardy.  He has the weekend to come up with an ad campaign so brilliant, his company will keep a lucrative but elusive insurance account, but with Cooper around, concentrating on the job at hand proves next to impossible.

American Pie alum Chris Klein here plays the "Stifler" role, as the conniving dolt with nothing but sex and debauchery on his mind.  You've seen it all before, only much funnier, in any dozen of the last sex comedies to come out in the last few years. 

Well, let me retract that -- what's in this movie that you haven't seen before, you don't want to see.  Someone with time on his hands has been busy exploring home video footage so gross, it would never be shown on "America's Funniest Home Videos".  Animals masturbating, humping each other, children urinating uncontrollably, people getting set on fire, and more are interspersed throughout the movie, none of which is original material (save for the added sound effects).  Most of this material is readily available at vid clip sites all over the net, so you don't even have to see the movie to get your retch on.

The film pretty much ends at about 75 minutes, followed by bloopers to pad the remaining time.  If one were to take out the pre-existing home video clips of gross-out human and animal behavior, there probably isn't much more than an hour of actual movie here.  In any other film, I'd probably feel cheated, but the short running time is perhaps the only thing worth commending the makers of this film for, even if they weren't doing it as a favor.

Even the title sucks. Not that I'd want to help the "creative geniuses" that came up with an idea this foul, but having the events of the film take place on a Wednesday would have been far better than a weekend, since they could have properly called this crass sex comedy, Hump Day

The Long Weekend is strictly recommended for guys that still eat their own boogers, make fart noises with their armpits, or are fascinated with the variety of household objects that can be inserted into their anal cavity.  If that means you, by all means head out to see it, whether theater or video store, and enjoy -- just as long as you stay away from me and my family.

Qwipster's rating:

2005 Vince Leo