Hit & Run (1996) / Thriller-Action
aka Red Blooded American Girl II
aka Red Blooded 2
aka Hot Blooded

MPAA Rated: R for violence, language and strong sexuality
Running Time: 86 min.

Cast: Kari Salin (aka Kari Wuhrer), Kristoffer Ryan Williams, Burt Young, Nicholas Pasco, David Keith, Roland Rothchild, Elaine Martyn, Clinton Walker
Director: David Blyth

Screenplay: Nicolas Stiliadis
Review published August 10, 2004

Why mince words?  Hit & Run is one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

If I ever gave a ranking lower than one star, this one certainly would deserve it.  Heck, it earned the one star rating from the first moment I saw Burt Young shirtless, although he is definitely in better shape than in his Rocky days.

This one's about Trent (Winters, who has the rare distinction of being in two films called Hit and Run), a young and naive college student on his way to Pennsylvania to spend Thanksgiving with his tight-knit family.  Along the way, he makes a stop, only to find himself in the role of the hero after picking up a hooker in distress, Miya (Wuhrer, Eight Legged Freaks), who is fleeing Roy (Young), a mad trucker with rape on his mind.  He also happens to be her father(!)  Oh boy...

While escaping pursuit for running into another trucker during their escape, Trent and Miya stop over at a motel, where the straight-laced young lad is treated to the best sexual adventure of his virginal life when his newfound prostitute friend pulls out all stops in a skin tight vinyl/pantyhose/handcuff wearing/nipple biting/toe sucking/S&M/candle wax/riding crop/exhibitionist extravaganza.  Miya, of course, snatches the lad's cash and scoots out, but offers him the chance to get it back if he'll take her on the road with him.  Meanwhile, a couple of state troopers are hot on their trail, while Roy apparently has a love jones for Miya that won't subside that causes him to drive hundreds of miles in the hopes of getting some quality tail from his daughter...just like the old days.

With movies this bad, usually the boredom of the events leaves me with quite a bit of time to contemplate some life lessons.  No matter how atrocious a film, there's always something one can learn, if only through the mistakes of idiocy.  Here are just a few things that I picked up while watching Hit & Run Red Hot Blooded American Girl 2:

1. If you happen to work at a gas station mini mart, and a super-hot chick puts whiskey, beer, and smokes on the counter, and instead of pulling out some cash, she begins flirting with you while flipping through a porn mag, don't let her have the stuff for free.  You aren't going to get laid anyway. no matter how hot of a mini mart employee you think you are.

2. If you are a virginal boy with lots of petty cash, and a hooker is coming on to you, there's a very good chance that she really isn't interested in getting it on with you for your sexual proclivity.  Handcuffs are also a dead giveaway that you might wake up to an empty wallet, and no hooker in sight.

3. If you're holding a woman at gunpoint in order to get some forced fellatio, and she starts performing it on the gun you're holding instead, it's a tip-off that she has no intention of doing anything with you bodily.  Having concluded this, it's also a bad move to hand over the gun to the woman, regardless of how kinky you think she may get with it.

4.  If you're a truck driver and want to drive a small car off the road, it might be a good idea to not honk your horn repeatedly as you approach the vehicle, especially if the passengers of that car already know you're out to kill them. 

5. When a man in a truck is shooting at your car with a shotgun, and you are in a souped-up Mustang, it's probably a wiser choice to outrun his big rig.  Jumping from the passenger side onto his rig is going to piss him off more, and kicking him through the open window also isn't going to help much. 

6. If you are trying to rape your daughter in an abandoned building, and she gets hold of your shotgun and is aiming it at your crotch, don't make things worse by repeatedly taunting her with the statement that she will never do it.

7. If you are a straight-laced young lad on the verge of meeting your conservative parents, the ones who let you use their car and are paying your way through college, and your leather and latex hooker companion says she wants to join you to meet them, it would be a far wiser decision to find nice, appropriate clothing for the hooker.  Buying yourself a bondage outfit, getting several facial piercings, and a tat so you can match her instead isn't likely to score you any points with mom, pop, or the police.

8.  If you are a starving college student trying to establish a relationship with a homicidal, sociopathic, nymphomaniac prostitute, chances are she won't be faithful to you.  You might be lucky to get one or two extra nookie sessions before she ditches you outright.  She might be good in the sack, but not "Kill your parents in cold blood to be with her" good.  The fact that the first thing she does when entering your family home is make out with your dad in front of you and your mother should let you know she isn't taking things as seriously as you are. 

9.  You're a state trooper investigating a hit and run accident.  The suspects involved have just killed a man, and after traveling hundreds of miles in pursuit, you catch up to them, and they start shooting at you.  One of the bullets hits your partner, almost killing him.  Somewhere along the line, it would be a really good idea to call in the incident to alert other police in the area that murderers and would-be cop killers are on the loose.  What you don't want to do is set up an inept SWAT team in the parents house, and then decide to lead that SWAT team yourself.

10.  You're watching a cheeseball thriller starring that chick from MTV's "Remote Control", playing a hooker that never takes off her clothes.  The TV Guide says the film is called Hit & Run, but the title of the actual movie you are watching is called Red Blooded 2.  The title of the film it is a sequel to is not even called Red Blooded, but rather, Red Blooded American Girl.  The original film was about vampires and viruses, and this one is about a crazy prostitute, and the only thing connecting the two films is the fact that they have the same director.  Despite having the phrase "American" in one of the alternate titles, the American flags that inhabit every other scene for no reason is a sure sign that it was cheaply made in Canada instead.  The biggest names attached to the film are Burt Young and David Keith.  At this point, your surest guess is that you're in for one of the most painful experience of your movie-watching life.  Change the channel to something else -- ANYTHING ELSE!  And if you can't find the remote, and are too much of a couch potato to get your ass up and change the channel by hand, gouge out your eyes and scream at the top of your lungs -- anything that will keep you from seeing or hearing a second of this poorly made fiasco that couldn't possibly appeal to ANYONE that isn't a member of Kari Wuhrer's biggest lotion-and-tissue fan club!  

Qwipster's rating:

2004 Vince Leo